PIANO PLAYS
# Start by admitting from cradle to tomb
# It isn't that long a stay
# Life is a cabaret, old chum
# Only a cabaret, old chum
# And I love a...
# ..ca-a-ba-a-ret! #
Once again, girls. From the top.
We wouldn't do this for anybody. He used to be Truly of the Yard. He'll need a yard!
I know parking's a problem, but how long have you been carrying your own garage?
The sergeant said it's clutter. And he's a fine one to talk!
Why are you acting like you think you're leaving it here? It's yours.
You reported it lying at the roadside. That was months ago!
It's not been claimed, so it goes to the person who found it.
Hey!
All yours, then. I've lived here for years and never found a thing.
Like him that did the Post Office(!)
I thought you found true love. Nothing lasts forever.
It was ten days ago! See what I mean?
Do you think you could bring it in?
I think hernias are so unattractive, don't you?
It's the kind of thing they promote.
You're a married woman!
And look what to(!)
You shouldn't be out in that costume.
I've got a coat over it!
Suppose your coat was blown away by a strong wind?
Or torn off by a fish hook?
Or something... How come you don't like me showing any leg? You like others.
It's just that I love you the way you normally are.
Unattractive.
I need a word with Cleggy.
A SHORT word. I'm putting kettle on. Be back by one or it's boiling!
No, Howard, the phone is out of order. I don't want to use it!
I need some advice, Cleggy.
Then my advice, Howard, is to keep taking the tablets,
wear very loose underclothing with room for a small chest of drawers.
If you need an example, I could show you a pair of mine, though we'll have to go outside.
I've discovered something quite unsettling...about Pearl.
I thought you always found Pearl unsettling. Not in this way before.
Don't tell me anything personal.
I failed "honeymoon". Even though they let you consult a textbook.
Have you seen the concert party ladies in their costumes?
I'm telling you, it's a shock suddenly seeing your own wife looking what you might call...
Looking what, Howard?
Life's so unfair.
You're going along fine, and suddenly you find your wife's more attractive than your girlfriend!
You've got the experience in these matters.
Just start sneaking around with Pearl when Marina's not looking.
It's those damned costumes...
At least all the feet now are going in the same direction.
If I was 20 years younger, it'd be a whole new career!
OK...40 years.
I couldn't make my living just being attractive to men.
I don't think you could, either.
One thinks I'm attractive! I bet he would in that outfit!
He'd think he'd won the Golden Welly!
I wouldn't dare let him see me. I'll come with you for security purposes! Go on!
I bet he'd run a mile!
Probably. But I don't feel like being chased that far tonight.
Aw, go on! Give him a surprise.
SIREN WAILS
Not that much of a surprise! He was enjoying it.
Did you see? Under that mask he's still got a smile on his face.
OUT! Oh, but honey...!
Now what? She's thrown me out.
Why didn't I think of that?
Because I'm too bossy!
Wait a minute. You're too bossy, but SHE throws you out? Yes.
There seems to be a contradiction in there somewhere. In what way are you too bossy?
I told her it was me or showbiz. I gave her the ultimatum.
Well, it got results. You're out on the street.
That'll teach her to mess with me. You're a ball of fire. I am!
Would you come with me, Cleggy, and see if she'll let me back in?
It's the least I can do, if only to see that you're not TOO brutal(!)
Pearl, love...you've dressed up. Just for me?
You look normal. I look terrible!
We're a matching set. I'll always remember this.
PHONE RINGS
You stay where you are. You haven't got your passport back.
You saw. Tell me I'm not mistaken. She looks terrible. She does.
You're not just lying to me? Howard, I used to be an Ovalteenie.
It's for you, Cleggy.
For me? Oh, excuse me. Thank you.
Do you want me to do it? Look, stand back.
I hate watching amateurs. I was Truly of the Yard.
I didn't go through a dangerous life without acquiring some nimble moves.
I'm warning you. A job like that will bite your knuckles if it can!
Few of us could subdue a prisoner without getting mucus on our hands.
Try the other end. That was half the secret.
Look, just because I asked for your nail puller doesn't mean I need you to do the job.
You're going at it like a willie!
Stand back!
Aiee! Oh! PHONE RINGS
Saved by the bell.
Leave that, Wesley.
I'd take it kindly if you'd give me a lift.
I wonder what put the smile on his face. Never you mind!
He never used to ail anything.
Even at school. We'd be coughing and sneezing, a frog in your throat. He'd have one in his pocket!
Ready for dropping down girls' blouses!
Took his time getting it out, though.
I wonder who'll look after his ferrets. He can look after his own!
That's right. Let's stop talking as if he's going to die.
People like him don't die.
It's people with creases in their trousers, collars, ties. They die.
You think scruffy is better than insurance? Every time!
Why weren't we at the pub?
I mean, we're normally at the pub. Why didn't he want to go to the pub?
He said he was busy. Doing what?
Dying.
Just as well he never bought new wellies. I reckon he knew.
Knew what? What was coming.
Nora Batty in tights?
Well, that was a bonus.
No, I think he knew everything else that was coming.
Because he misses the pub for once?
That should have told us something.
I wondered. I thought he must have something up his sleeve.
Being dead? That really is keeping something up your sleeve.
He was always tricky.
What tees me off is that we never got to say anything.
If only, "Goodbye."
We should have known, and gone to him.
He got Nora Batty! You think he would have preferred us?! Nora Batty in tights?
You're right.
Way to go, Compo!
When I think of all the things I've called him.
You were probably right. He lived his life like that.
That's true. He did as he liked, I'll give him that.
You'd think every day was playtime.
It's going to be queer without him next door.
Well, you did your best.
You tried the kiss of life.
Yes...
I tried.
Why did you stop?
He stopped me.
I thought he'd almost gone
and then this little voice whispered...
Well, what did it say?
"That's the best kiss we've ever had," it said.
"But can you save it until I feel a bit better?"
Oh, the little beggar! Talk about famous last words.
Something's tormenting you, Barry.
You're thinking about life and death and all the big questions.
Who's gonna look after his ferrets?
Do we have to decide that right now?
I can't sleep.
I'm just lying here thinking, "Who's gonna look after his ferrets?"
You're not even a ferret person.
You were nervous of your grandma's budgie.
It was vicious! She used to kiss it.
That was Grandad!
I don't like to think of them all alone in that house pining for him.
I'm going to make sure they've got some food and water. Oh, Barry, we're not talking trifle here!
What do ferrets eat? You'll bring it something dripping with blood?
What I'm gonna do...
is start developing the world's first vegetarian ferret!
I think I might have keeled over at the sight of Nora Batty in tights!
You could wipe out whole streets!
The former Mrs Truelove looked terrible in tights.
I was grateful she'd sworn me to celibacy. I hope he's some place with puddles to splash in.
I hope it's nowhere where they cut the crusts off sandwiches.
He could have given us a chance to say goodbye! He knew what he was doing.
I wonder where they'll bury him.
They? Who's "they"?
Has he got any family left? Well, somebody's got to bury him.
They're not going to leave him lying around.
That's how he always lived, but...
WE'LL have to bury him.
You've taken a while to come round to that.
Who else did you think would do it?
Fair enough. We'll give him a good sendoff.
He used to like a good funeral.
I hope he enjoys this one more than I'm going to.
It's getting light.
Do you think the dead ever see a sunrise?
Yes, I do, actually.
Even those who don't get up very early? Even them.
Maybe that's what paradise is.
A place where the sun doesn't come up until you're ready.
You think he was heavenly material, do you?
Certainly.
"To be as little children." That was him.
He never lost it, did he?
I just wish we could have said goodbye. Say it now.
Top of your voice. Say it now.
Oh...you feel such a fool!
Well, I'll join you.
We'll do it together. We'll both feel a fool.
You're right! Sometimes it's right to feel a fool.
What do we say? You wanted to say goodbye. "Goodbye, Compo."
It's a bit bald, isn't it? Isn't there something a bit more cheerful?
Like what?
Well, think of something.
Er...well...
What about, "Cheerio"?
Well, he'd think we were glad to be rid of him.
Arrivederci?
He'll think it's a racehorse!
What about...
"Goodbye, Compo"?
You're right. "Goodbye, Compo."
Yeah! Top of our voices, eh? Absolutely. Full volume. Yes.
OK. One, two, three...
BOTH: Goodbye, Compo!
WORDS ECHO
Come again?
My God!
He's heard us!
You'll need a glove to handle them.
I wasn't thinking of handling them.
I was thinking more along the lines of establishing a relationship
built on mutual trust, respect and...a certain distance.
You're up early, Mrs Batty. No point in trying to sleep. I've been doing him some washing.
At least he'll have a clean shirt to go in. We wondered about his ferrets.
You can have them if you give them a good home.
We weren't taking them. We could UNTIL we find them a good home.
Where are we going to keep ferrets? We could make a place in the garage.
And leave your car outside?
It's only temporarily. I thought you loved that car.
You're a good lad, Barry. He'll rest easier knowing somebody's looking after them.
What do you think is inside it?
Get a pedal on and we'll find out. You don't go at it hammer and tong!
You take nails out gently and use them again. Does Edie know you've got this reckless attitude?
I bet he saves string, too. I do. I save string.
Where do you think you're going?
You hear of people dying and realise you have to fill every moment.
I don't get out enough.
Inside! You can fill the coal bucket!
Live like there's no tomorrow! If you don't get inside, there'll BE no tomorrow!
One minute we're here, the next we're gone. It's been true of you for years!
Have you been to bed?
We went for a walk. And then we've been opening Truly's crate. What was in it?
Two hundred pairs of painters' white overalls(!)
Just what he always wanted(!)
They're going to miss him.
Speaking of missing...!
The little scruffy one? Suddenly last night.
Oh, dear. That's another customer gone.
Was he a customer? Everybody's potentially a customer, lad.
This is an equal opportunities establishment. What did he die of?
The heart. Oh.
Aren't you glad you haven't got one?
Where did you want your bedroom suite delivering? What bedroom suite? The one I shall sell you!
You seem to forget I am notorious round here for charitable contributions.
Contributions to charity?! You?! Since when?
You can't expect me to remember all the details. Try remembering one.
..The little scruffy one. Who'd have thought it?
These things make you think, you know. They do, they do.
Yes, you can't help wondering...
what's going to happen to all his old furniture.
What about his family?
My Barry's got them in our garage.
We're the only house in the road with ferrets in the garage. I didn't mean his ferrets.
I think they're his only family.
It must be handy having a garage.
I ought to start keeping things in a garage. I could send him down.
That's when I find him.
Have you lost a pet, then?
Drink your coffee.
It's more like a stray.
Who's doing the catering?
Well, somebody ought to give him a sendoff.
He used to like my buns. I'll do him a few buns.
I could make a few quiches.
Nothing foreign!
He was basic, plain cooking.
He was basic, all right!
Did he ever go to church? He'd go on Remembrance Sunday. Never missed a Remembrance Sunday.
Well, that's not exactly a season ticket.
But I expect God has room for a few on cheap day returns.
Oh, there'll be room. There's worse than him.
It wasn't as if he was bad. He was just... Terrible!
No...
He was what he was
and it's going to be damn quiet living where I live.
These sudden things make you think.
How fleeting life is.
You can feel the fleet!
Time wasted. I wouldn't say wasted. Opportunities missed.
If at first you don't succeed...
Chances lost. Only mislaid.
They might still be there if you look hard enough.
It makes you realise you've got to seize the moment!
And what moment would we be seizing, Howard? I'm free on Wednesday.
We've always planned that we would. We've always said we would!
I don't know whether I said we would, Howard. I think I may have said we might.
You could put a positive spin on that. Let's do it!
Let's get a computer! Let's get on the Internet!
We'll be able to e-mail each other!
Oh, Marina...
We'll be able to communicate in cyberspace!
Where are we going with 200 pair of painters' white overalls?!
Clegg wants to say goodbye to Compo.
He's worrying that we didn't say a proper goodbye.
What's that got to do with 200 pair of overalls?
Who's that? Will you stop asking so many questions?
No wonder Edie makes you live in a shed. I don't LIVE in it. Close.
I go home at nights.
In the corners!
What about this one?
He used to like this one. He used to borrow it when he had something...special on.
You won't be getting it back. That's all right. I've come to think of it, really, as...his suit.
He'll look nice in that.
Well, I don't know about nice. He's dead.
Well, apart from that, he'll look nice.
Come on, then. In you get.
Where are we going? You wanted to say goodbye to Compo. Come on.
Well, come on, then. Let's go say goodbye to Compo!
There you are.
See ya, Compo.
Subtitles by Greig Forbes for BBC Subtitling - 2000